So I rev up the 'puter and log ont blogger. I check out my dashboard and it says I am *not* following *any* blogs. WTF? I had about 80 I was following and don't know now how I will be able to retrace who I had. I'm upset.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Thing
There's this thing I keep on running into. It's an internal thing. It keeps me from doing alot of things I know would be good for me.
It keeps me from making a dental appt.
It keeps me from setting up some bills on auto payment.
It keeps me from making medical appts....
...from doing laundry.....from getting the car in for maintenance.
I don't know what this thing is. I've been in therapy most of the last twenty years and haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to know what it is. Maybe all I need is a coach to get me over the hump of this thing so I make progress in my life.
But a morbid curiosity sometimes wants to know.
It keeps me from making a dental appt.
It keeps me from setting up some bills on auto payment.
It keeps me from making medical appts....
...from doing laundry.....from getting the car in for maintenance.
I don't know what this thing is. I've been in therapy most of the last twenty years and haven't figured it out.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to know what it is. Maybe all I need is a coach to get me over the hump of this thing so I make progress in my life.
But a morbid curiosity sometimes wants to know.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year
I just looked through the last month's post and I'm shocked with the anger I feel coming from these posts. Anger is something I'm not good at; I dissociate most of it. There was a time when I would not have recognized it afterwards like I just did. What I remember feeling is numbness and helplessness.
Despite all that, I have happy moments every day. I do something meaningful to 'repair the world' almost every day. I continue to experience a lot of peace.
I went swimming for the first time in almost two weeks yesterday and I feel much better. Later I went to the grocery store and picked up several things for Shabbat dinner (which I didn't have until lunch today). We were off yesterday and I picked up the living room and did some cleaning in the the bath and kitchen. Today I cleaned off the kitchen table--there was a stack of stuff about two feet deep. I wanted to be able to eat at a table; increase the graciousness factor of my life. Strictly speaking, I should not have done this on Shabbat, but it felt good when I ate my lunch there.
I did light candles last night, which I've always loved doing. Treasure knows this is a special time, when I do this and chant the blessing, so it makes her night a little special as well.
I'm trying to re-establish some of the things I've loved doing the past few years. To re-establish a healthy routine. Doing the things that work for me.
I still want to go through one closet in the apartment before I start on anything in any locker or storage. I want to declutter my art supplies. There are things that I've purchased for one reason or another and either used just once or twice or never used at all. As part of my decluttering, I need to give up the dreams and thoughts associated with those projects in order to make room for new ones.
I hadn't been doing much reading most of the year and have been making up for that the last few months. most of my life, this was how I coped, how I kept life making sense. But I relied on it too much. Now I hope to find the balance between the gifts that reading brings with the gifts other activities bring.
I'm sure there will be more things I goof up and more things that get to me, more times I am angry without realizing it. But I know I can get through it, I can make improvements.
I know part of it is focussing on 'how', not 'what' is part of the answer. As Oriah Mountain Dreamer says in 'The Dance', to paraphrase, "What if it is not what you do, but how you do it?"
I remember in 2006 when I was talking to a Rabbi. I had started my current job and found parts of it boring, mindnumbingly boring. I told him that and he suggested that it was ok, I could put my creative attention to other parts of my life. As a child of the 70's raised on the liberated, 'superwoman' ideal, I was blown away. Not to be super-achiever at work? At volunteer projects, at everything? How could one live with oneself? Did that not mean that you were not reaching your full potential? And wasn't achievement and success what it was all about?
Well, no, that's not what it is all about.
It's about simplicity and enthusiasms, however long or short lived. It's about community. It's about organizing the business side of your life so as to be able to focus on the more satisfying parts of your life. You can do all that and make your contribution as well. You may not be the next Oprah or Obama or superstar of the moment. But you can still influence many, many people positively. Probably more than you ever know.
And that's what I want to focus on.
Despite all that, I have happy moments every day. I do something meaningful to 'repair the world' almost every day. I continue to experience a lot of peace.
I went swimming for the first time in almost two weeks yesterday and I feel much better. Later I went to the grocery store and picked up several things for Shabbat dinner (which I didn't have until lunch today). We were off yesterday and I picked up the living room and did some cleaning in the the bath and kitchen. Today I cleaned off the kitchen table--there was a stack of stuff about two feet deep. I wanted to be able to eat at a table; increase the graciousness factor of my life. Strictly speaking, I should not have done this on Shabbat, but it felt good when I ate my lunch there.
I did light candles last night, which I've always loved doing. Treasure knows this is a special time, when I do this and chant the blessing, so it makes her night a little special as well.
I'm trying to re-establish some of the things I've loved doing the past few years. To re-establish a healthy routine. Doing the things that work for me.
I still want to go through one closet in the apartment before I start on anything in any locker or storage. I want to declutter my art supplies. There are things that I've purchased for one reason or another and either used just once or twice or never used at all. As part of my decluttering, I need to give up the dreams and thoughts associated with those projects in order to make room for new ones.
I hadn't been doing much reading most of the year and have been making up for that the last few months. most of my life, this was how I coped, how I kept life making sense. But I relied on it too much. Now I hope to find the balance between the gifts that reading brings with the gifts other activities bring.
I'm sure there will be more things I goof up and more things that get to me, more times I am angry without realizing it. But I know I can get through it, I can make improvements.
I know part of it is focussing on 'how', not 'what' is part of the answer. As Oriah Mountain Dreamer says in 'The Dance', to paraphrase, "What if it is not what you do, but how you do it?"
I remember in 2006 when I was talking to a Rabbi. I had started my current job and found parts of it boring, mindnumbingly boring. I told him that and he suggested that it was ok, I could put my creative attention to other parts of my life. As a child of the 70's raised on the liberated, 'superwoman' ideal, I was blown away. Not to be super-achiever at work? At volunteer projects, at everything? How could one live with oneself? Did that not mean that you were not reaching your full potential? And wasn't achievement and success what it was all about?
Well, no, that's not what it is all about.
It's about simplicity and enthusiasms, however long or short lived. It's about community. It's about organizing the business side of your life so as to be able to focus on the more satisfying parts of your life. You can do all that and make your contribution as well. You may not be the next Oprah or Obama or superstar of the moment. But you can still influence many, many people positively. Probably more than you ever know.
And that's what I want to focus on.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Uncomfortable
it's one of those times when it's very uncomfortable to be me. i have a pretty clear vision of how I want my life to be and it doesn't seem like it would take that much to get there. But it's always just beyond reach. I could go see my therapist, and I do believe in the therapeutic process, but it seems like we've talked the issues inside out and backwards, too. I feel my being able to keep up at work slipping away and the household has definitely gotten away from me. There's a couple of people who are silent that hearing even a simple, 'I know things are rough right now' would help alot. But it's not there; just a deafening silence that says more than any words they would utter. My thinking is fuzzy. I'm uncomfortable in my body. I fantasize about assuming a new identity and beginnign a new life; if I could start out with a level playing field in some ways, it would be awfully tempting.
It's the kind of period where I buy a gingerbread man, get one with only one eye and it reminds me of a client with one eye who died earlier this year. It's the kind of period where I soak my feet when I cross the street, not being quite able to straddlea puddle. Where, when I take my second bite of lunch, I get tomato sauce all down the front of my new blouse I really like. Where later, someone says, 'come here, you 've got something on your jacket', and it turns out it's a huge smudge of icing where you backed into a cake when someone wouldn't make room for you to get through. Where you get a paper cut that won't stop bleeding and you have a hard time finding someone who has a bandaid and then an even harder time getting help putting it on, so it's all wrinkled around your finger when you end up doing it yourself..
Blegh.
It's the kind of period where I buy a gingerbread man, get one with only one eye and it reminds me of a client with one eye who died earlier this year. It's the kind of period where I soak my feet when I cross the street, not being quite able to straddlea puddle. Where, when I take my second bite of lunch, I get tomato sauce all down the front of my new blouse I really like. Where later, someone says, 'come here, you 've got something on your jacket', and it turns out it's a huge smudge of icing where you backed into a cake when someone wouldn't make room for you to get through. Where you get a paper cut that won't stop bleeding and you have a hard time finding someone who has a bandaid and then an even harder time getting help putting it on, so it's all wrinkled around your finger when you end up doing it yourself..
Blegh.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Digging Deeper
So, I'm tired of impression management and I'm tired of thinking I need to keep certain things to myself and I'm tired of worrying about worrying people and I'm tired of the patchwork mess much of my life is.
When I was growing up, I was not taught, nor did my parents model, what we call the Instrumental Activities of Daily Living, which includes meal prep, med management, money management, laundry and chores.
I suck at them all. Except for being a pretty good cook. I especially suck at managing money. And, with two major changes to my finances, I can't afford my life. Currently this takes the form of not having had electrical services since June.
Over the last two years, my rent went from $275 to $525. I added a car payment of $365/month. My health care deductible went from $500 to $2500. I have the storage fee of $100/month. It's too much.
I have to have the car for work, but can't get it re-financed. Need the health care in case of catastrophe. Can't save the money to get the stuff out of storage, or to replace the car window broken two years ago or the side mirror I tore off two years ago.
Because of all this, I have no idea when I will be able to get the electricity turned back on. Which means I cannot use my c-pap machine for my sleep apnea. Meaning I stay a bit more tired and groggy. Truth be told, that's probably why I can't swim as much. It means I can't use my microwave or keep food in the frig, so I eat out more, adding to my costs. It means I can't do artwork at home. I read by candlelight.
So there. I've laid it out. Universe, what do you have to say?
When I was growing up, I was not taught, nor did my parents model, what we call the Instrumental Activities of Daily Living, which includes meal prep, med management, money management, laundry and chores.
I suck at them all. Except for being a pretty good cook. I especially suck at managing money. And, with two major changes to my finances, I can't afford my life. Currently this takes the form of not having had electrical services since June.
Over the last two years, my rent went from $275 to $525. I added a car payment of $365/month. My health care deductible went from $500 to $2500. I have the storage fee of $100/month. It's too much.
I have to have the car for work, but can't get it re-financed. Need the health care in case of catastrophe. Can't save the money to get the stuff out of storage, or to replace the car window broken two years ago or the side mirror I tore off two years ago.
Because of all this, I have no idea when I will be able to get the electricity turned back on. Which means I cannot use my c-pap machine for my sleep apnea. Meaning I stay a bit more tired and groggy. Truth be told, that's probably why I can't swim as much. It means I can't use my microwave or keep food in the frig, so I eat out more, adding to my costs. It means I can't do artwork at home. I read by candlelight.
So there. I've laid it out. Universe, what do you have to say?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Irrational Thoughts aka Cognitive Distortions
In my last post, I stated that a depressed person's thoughts could be as irrational as that of a person with schizophrenia. That is not to say that a depressed person is psychotic; for example, that a depressed person has bizarre delusions. It does mean that their thoughts, formerly called neurotic, simply are illogical.
As John M. Grohol, Psy.D. says at PsychCentral.com, "What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. "
Common examples of cognitive distortions include jumping to conclusions,overgeneralizing, catastrophizing and blaming among others. A complete list with short descriptions is available at PsychCentral and I urge you to check it out.
For more detailed information, David Burns', "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" discusses each one in more detail and provides many strategies one can use alone, with a confidant or mental health professional, to address distorted thinking. One can learn to restructure ones' thoughts this way.
It should be noted that the most efficacious treatments of depression, or any mental health problems, is a combination of medications and therapy. This has been demonstrated in multiple studies since the invention of the SSRIs in the early 90's.
I hope that the last post was not so shocking as to prevent anyone from reading further; the subject is too important and I only wrote these to point out the reasons for pursuing several avenues of treatment for this type of issue.
If you are not trying medications due to financial reasons, many towns and states have programs to help you access the meds you need and many pharmaceutical companies do as well. What have you got to lose?
As John M. Grohol, Psy.D. says at PsychCentral.com, "What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. "
Common examples of cognitive distortions include jumping to conclusions,overgeneralizing, catastrophizing and blaming among others. A complete list with short descriptions is available at PsychCentral and I urge you to check it out.
For more detailed information, David Burns', "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" discusses each one in more detail and provides many strategies one can use alone, with a confidant or mental health professional, to address distorted thinking. One can learn to restructure ones' thoughts this way.
It should be noted that the most efficacious treatments of depression, or any mental health problems, is a combination of medications and therapy. This has been demonstrated in multiple studies since the invention of the SSRIs in the early 90's.
I hope that the last post was not so shocking as to prevent anyone from reading further; the subject is too important and I only wrote these to point out the reasons for pursuing several avenues of treatment for this type of issue.
If you are not trying medications due to financial reasons, many towns and states have programs to help you access the meds you need and many pharmaceutical companies do as well. What have you got to lose?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Deep Thoughts about Irrational Thoughts
There is more to the matter of managing depression than is on the surface. The impact of depression on a life is seriously underestimated in this culture. We refer to it as the 'common cold' of medicine. This implies that it's not serious, just something irritating that we can all slug through. This also implies that nothing more than mildly relieving symtoms can be done for it.
Research indicates that one in seven people will experience depression
Suicide is the third highest cause of death among adolescents
Twice as many women as men experience depression
By 2020 it will be the second most significant health problem in the world
People with depression are 4 x more likely to have a heart attack than those without
It can increase a woman's risk for broken bones
It is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44
In the US, businesses spend between 12 and 70 billion dollars caring for or paying the medical expenses of employees that have depression or related illnesses.
Only 10% of all people with depression will receive treatment.
Treatment can provide relief to 80-90% of those affected.
Before the development of SSRIs, cognitive therapy was the most efficacious treatment for depression. Researchers and therapists discovered that the thought processes of someone with depression can be as irrational as those of someone with untreated schizophrenia.
So, are those thoughts your real thoughts?
Research indicates that one in seven people will experience depression
Suicide is the third highest cause of death among adolescents
Twice as many women as men experience depression
By 2020 it will be the second most significant health problem in the world
People with depression are 4 x more likely to have a heart attack than those without
It can increase a woman's risk for broken bones
It is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44
In the US, businesses spend between 12 and 70 billion dollars caring for or paying the medical expenses of employees that have depression or related illnesses.
Only 10% of all people with depression will receive treatment.
Treatment can provide relief to 80-90% of those affected.
Before the development of SSRIs, cognitive therapy was the most efficacious treatment for depression. Researchers and therapists discovered that the thought processes of someone with depression can be as irrational as those of someone with untreated schizophrenia.
So, are those thoughts your real thoughts?
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