Sunday, September 26, 2010

Days of Awe 2010

It's time for those dreams to be put aside; those dreams that leave one more exhausted than when they drifted off.  I sprout wings and somersault through time......the past rises before me yet is ephemeral.  I move through it as in a fog.  Looking below I see the sites of my childhood, the monopoly board of my beginnings.

Today is the birthday of the world!  And I look for my center, my fulcrum, my teshuvah.  Do the somersaults count? 

Children grow; last year's shy bar mitzvah boy is this year's young man, finally willing to look me in the eyes and shake hands. 

I remember the dreams of my impending death; a death prepared for carefully by those with me.  Do they know what role my subconscious has assigned them?  Turn away.  Turn toward life. 

The moon-smile signals birthday's beginning.  Moon smiles to herself alot.  Sun boasts of controlling the days, but she has the power to mark the holy-days, to influence the fluids of life, to trigger ecstasy. 

Eyn od....ey-yn od....ey-ey-ey-yn oooodddddddd.....eyn oooodddddd......

Lovely lady, be with me.  Be with me with your quiet merriment, your stalwart beliefs.  I turn to you for discovery; were you able to let go any better than me?

'You have drive, such drive.  I keep coming back to that.....a car.....and joy, deep joy'.

I want to atone to those two whose life I have turned completely upside down and inside out.  May their increased quality of life do it for me since to atone would seem to admit a mistake. 

Sh'ma Yisrael!  Nachamu ami!

Moon-lady, moon-smile, who cradles my brother, help me crochet my nest of light and love.  Help me weave into it friends and justice and beauty and righteous deeds.

The dreams are back as I plead to be written in the book of life--and then sealed.  Pain returns, hard to stand or hold a machzor. 

Sam and Lena escort me to the bimah.

May prayer teach me through what I lack.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

a knotty situation

I went to a specialty yarn shop tonight and bought some lovely hand-dyed merino wool, fingering weight (fairly fine).  It was in a hank rather than a ball or skein and, when I went to start rolling it up, managed to tangle it very quickly and efficiently. 

So now I sit untangling a pile of yarn while I roll a ball out of it.  Looking for a metaphor or lesson to be learned; some Zen koan or hassidic story.  None come to mind while I continue my knotty path.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Why a second blog?

So, why would I start a second blog?  The first one has kept me quite busy and I still plan to add to it on a regular basis. 

My first blog is very spontaneous and off-the-cuff many times.  I need that, but since my bat mitzvah (more on that later), I feel the need to write something more focussed.

I ended my d'var torah (Torah lesson) at my bat mitzvah by stating I planned to re-examine the mitzvot (sacred deeds) to see where I needed to grow, to become more adult.  It seems the right time for this as I've been Jewish for about 5 years in a wonderful congregation that has allowed me to play and dance through 'time and tradition'. 

When I thought of a focus point for it, it came to 'shalom beyt', a peaceful household.  Traditionally, this seems to mean peaceful relations, and it is at its core that.  However, since I live alone, this has several elements to me:

-an orderly household that runs smoothly.  This is true of housekeeping as well as financial management.  I'm not great at managing my money and I frequently find myself not able to maintain my household the way I would like.

-a Jewish household.  I received a mezuzuh for my conversion that I've never used.  A mezuzah is a case holding a small scroll with the sh'ma, the root prayer and statement of Judaism.  It is an ancient artifact of Judaism and one of the most clearcut ways to show one runs a Jewish household.  There are other ways to show a household is Jewish and I will be exploring those as well.

-a hospitable household.  I used to entertain when I was younger--sleep apnea, fibromyalgia and other issues have interfered with this.  I would like to start doing this again; Shabbat meals, holiday events, and welcome others to share my life  more intimately

-a base for increased contribution to my congregation and community.

So why this name?  I guess it comes primarily from my background as a psychotherapist.  A philosopher said 'The unexamined life is not worth living'.  Various schools of psychology work to help an individual examine life.  In some cases, a person can end up with all kinds of insight and stop there, staying in much the same state as they were prior to examining life.  What is required, to me, is a response--an active response--to make your life more what you need it to be.  That is what I want to accomplish with this blog--put insight into action.