Notes to myself

Abra Cadabra is Aramaic for 'I create by what I say'.

We are all pickles in the brine of our thoughts.  What kind of pickle do you want to be?

It is very important that, in the center of ecstasy, there is a core of sobriety.

Perhaps Aaron's sons were not killed because the strange fire was bad; maybe they were ecstatically offering all of themselves.  Maybe that's why G-d told people not to grieve.

Imagination is the ground for prophecy.

The sacrificial system of worship was the technology of prayer during the era of the temples.

A month later

I have survived the mother of all sinus infections--moved into my ears and throat.  Wow!  Had me down for the count.

I'm pleased t say that I a making some progress in certain areas.  One thing I have wanted to do for a long time is to set up online banking access with automatic payment.  I have gotten the first half done and it is so quick and easy!  Next is to learn how to make the ongoing things automatic, so I don't have to worry about remembering them for month at a time.

I have been talking with one of my brothers about how things are going in general, and in particular, financially.  He is going to see if he can help me get my electricity turned back on, first by seeing if he can negotiate a lower past due amount and then seeing what still needs to be paid and if i can handle the payment plan.  He has also said that, if I can do the online banking, and am willing to share the logon information, if I had another time when I just was having a hard time doing more than going to work and coming home, he would be willing to send off checks for me.  So, I think all of this means that I am making definite moves toward more financial responsibility and stability.  I'm actually looking forward to this!

Additionally, I am starting to try to sell things on craigslist.  I may find out I could get more money on e-bay, but I don't know if I'm ready to take on packing and mailing things out.  With Craigslist, I can arrange a time with the buyer to have the things picked up.  I have been discussing doing this with a friend from the synagogue and with a friend at work.  I could use this money for things like synagogue dues, an occasional vacation, charitable donations, things of that nature.  Part of what I hope to do is sell things I already have, but I also have a really good eye for vintage/antiques and have  developed a sense of value/price over the years.

Until I can get at the stuff in storage, I have a few things, but nothing much.  However, I recently found 114 pieces of Pope Gosser's Rose Point at a Salvation Army for $75.  This is hugely great price; a coffee cup and saucer can sell for $12 on e-bay.  So I bought it, will keep a few pieces, and am in the process of listing it on craigslist.  Just trying to upload a photo as I write this.  I probably have to many pixels/inch to load, and may have to re-do the pictures.  But it's a start.   This pattern is very rare, even hard to find on china replacement services, so if I do not have luck here, I can probably go to a service like that to unload it.

I also hadn't felt like swiming much over the winter with my sinuses messed up and also needed a new suit. 
got the new suit several weeks ago and am getting back into the routine again.  Only doing 22 laps right now and will have to build up again.  But, again, it's a start.

Hopefully will also feel up to starting to attend synagogue again.

Don't know why that switched to italics for a while and can't undo it.  Sigh.

Spectacular Shabbat Sunset...

if I do say so myself:

While Shabbat starts at sunset, candles are traditionally lit 18 minutes before that as fires should not be started after sunset.  Had I been better organized, I think this is about the time I would have been lighting candles.

Excuse me?

So I rev up the 'puter and log ont blogger.  I check out my dashboard and it says I am *not* following *any* blogs.  WTF?  I had about 80 I was following and don't know now how I will be able to retrace who I had.  I'm upset.

The Thing

There's this thing I keep on running into.  It's an internal thing.  It keeps me from doing alot of things I know would be good for me.

It keeps me from making a dental appt.
It keeps me from setting up some bills on auto payment.
It keeps me from making medical appts....
...from doing laundry.....from getting the car in for maintenance.

I don't know what this thing is.  I've been in therapy most of the last twenty years and haven't figured it out.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to know what it is.  Maybe all I need is a coach to get me over the hump of this thing so I make progress in my life.

But a morbid curiosity sometimes wants to know.

A New Year

I just looked through the last month's post and I'm shocked with the anger I feel coming from these posts.  Anger is something I'm not good at; I dissociate most of it.  There was a time when I would not have recognized it afterwards like I just did.  What I remember feeling is numbness and helplessness. 

Despite all that, I have happy moments every day.  I do something meaningful to 'repair the world' almost every day.  I continue to experience a lot of peace.

I went swimming for the first time in almost two weeks yesterday and I feel much better.  Later I went to the grocery store and picked up several things for Shabbat dinner (which I didn't have until lunch today).  We were off yesterday and I picked up the living room and did some cleaning in the the bath and kitchen.  Today I cleaned off the kitchen table--there was a stack of stuff about two feet deep.  I wanted to be able to eat at a table; increase the graciousness factor of my life.  Strictly speaking, I should not have done this on Shabbat, but it felt good when I ate my lunch there. 

I did light candles last night, which I've always loved doing.  Treasure knows this is a special time, when I do this and chant the blessing, so it makes her night a little special as well.

I'm trying to re-establish some of the things I've loved doing the past few years. To re-establish a healthy routine.  Doing the things that work for me.

I still want to go through one closet in the apartment before I start on anything in any locker or storage.  I want to declutter my art supplies.  There are things that I've purchased for one reason or another and either used just once or twice or never used at all.  As part of my decluttering, I need to give up the dreams and thoughts associated with those projects in order to make room for new ones.

I hadn't been doing much reading most of the year and have been making up for that the last few months.  most of my life, this was how I coped, how I kept life making sense.  But I relied on it too much. Now I hope to find the balance between the gifts that reading brings with the gifts other activities bring.

I'm sure there will be more things I goof up and more things that get to me, more times I am angry without realizing it.  But I know I can get through it, I can make improvements. 

I know part of it is focussing on 'how', not 'what' is part of the answer.  As Oriah Mountain Dreamer says in 'The Dance', to paraphrase, "What if it is not what you do, but how you do it?"

I remember in 2006 when I was talking to a Rabbi.  I had started my current job and found parts of it boring, mindnumbingly boring.  I told him that and he suggested that it was ok, I could put my creative attention to other parts of my life.  As a child of the 70's raised on the liberated, 'superwoman' ideal, I was blown away.  Not to be super-achiever at work?  At volunteer projects, at everything?  How could one live with oneself?  Did that not mean that you were not reaching your full potential?  And wasn't achievement and success what it was all about?

Well, no, that's not what it is all about.

It's about simplicity and enthusiasms, however long or short lived.  It's about community.  It's about organizing the business side of your life so as to be able to focus on the more satisfying parts of your life.  You can do all that and make your contribution as well. You may not be the next Oprah or Obama or superstar of the moment.  But you can still influence many, many people positively.  Probably more than you ever know.

And that's what I want to focus on.

Uncomfortable

it's one of those times when it's very uncomfortable to be me.  i have a pretty clear vision of how I want my life to be and it doesn't seem like it would take that much to get there.  But it's always just beyond reach.  I could go see my therapist, and I do believe in the therapeutic process, but it seems like we've talked the issues inside out and backwards, too.  I feel my being able to keep up at work slipping away and the household has definitely gotten away from me.  There's a couple of people who are silent that hearing even a simple, 'I know things are rough right now' would help alot.  But it's not there; just a deafening silence that says more than any words they would utter.  My thinking is fuzzy.  I'm uncomfortable in  my body.  I fantasize about assuming a new identity and beginnign a new life; if I could start out with a level playing field in some ways, it would be awfully tempting. 

It's the kind of period where I buy a gingerbread man, get one with only one eye and it reminds me of a client with one eye who died earlier this year.  It's the kind of period where I soak my feet when I cross the street, not being quite able to straddlea puddle.  Where, when I take my second bite of lunch, I get tomato sauce all down the front of my new blouse I really like.  Where later, someone says, 'come here, you 've got something on your jacket', and it turns out it's a huge smudge of icing where you backed into a cake when someone wouldn't make room for you to get through.  Where you get a paper cut that won't stop bleeding and you have a hard time finding someone who has a bandaid and then an even harder time getting help putting it on, so it's all wrinkled around your finger when you end up doing it yourself.. 

Blegh.

Digging Deeper

So, I'm tired of impression management and I'm tired of thinking I need to keep certain things to myself and I'm tired of worrying about worrying people and I'm tired of the patchwork mess much of my life is.

When I was growing up, I was not taught,  nor did my parents model, what we call the Instrumental Activities of Daily Living, which includes meal prep, med management, money management, laundry and chores.

I suck at them all.  Except for being a pretty good cook.  I especially suck at managing money.  And, with two major changes to my finances, I can't afford my life.  Currently this takes the form of not having had electrical services since June.

Over the last two years, my rent went from $275 to $525.  I added a car payment of $365/month.  My health care deductible went from $500 to $2500.  I have the storage fee of $100/month.  It's too much.

I have to have the car for work, but can't get it re-financed.  Need the health care in case of catastrophe.  Can't save the money to get the stuff out of storage, or to replace the car window broken two years ago or the side mirror I tore off two years ago. 

Because of all this, I have no idea when I will be able to get the electricity turned back on.  Which means I cannot use my c-pap machine for my sleep apnea.  Meaning I stay a bit more tired and groggy.  Truth be told, that's probably why I can't swim as much.  It means I can't use my microwave or keep food in the frig, so I eat out more, adding to my costs.  It means I can't do artwork at home.  I read by candlelight. 

So there.  I've laid it out.  Universe, what do you have to say?

Irrational Thoughts aka Cognitive Distortions

In my last post, I stated that a depressed person's thoughts could be as irrational as that of a person with schizophrenia.  That is not to say that a depressed person is psychotic; for example, that a depressed person has bizarre delusions.  It does mean that their thoughts, formerly called neurotic, simply are illogical.

As John M. Grohol, Psy.D. says at PsychCentral.com, "What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. "

Common examples of cognitive distortions include jumping to conclusions,overgeneralizing, catastrophizing and blaming among others.  A complete list with short descriptions is available at PsychCentral and I urge you to check it out.

For more detailed information, David Burns', "Feeling Good:  The New Mood Therapy" discusses each one in more detail and provides many strategies one can use alone, with a confidant or mental health professional, to address distorted thinking.  One can learn to restructure ones' thoughts this way.

It should be noted that the most efficacious treatments of depression, or any mental health problems, is a combination of medications and therapy.  This has been demonstrated in multiple studies since the invention of the SSRIs in the early 90's. 

I hope that the last post was not so shocking as to prevent anyone from reading further; the subject is too important and I only wrote these to point out the reasons for pursuing several avenues of treatment for this type of issue.

If you are not trying medications due to financial reasons, many towns and states have programs to help you access the meds you need and many pharmaceutical companies do as well.  What have you got to lose?

Deep Thoughts about Irrational Thoughts

There is more to the matter of managing depression than is on the surface.  The impact of depression on a life is seriously underestimated in this culture.  We refer to it as the 'common cold' of medicine.  This implies that it's not serious, just something irritating that we can all slug through.  This also implies that nothing more than mildly relieving symtoms can be done for it.

Research indicates that one in seven people will experience depression
Suicide is the third highest cause of death among adolescents
Twice as many women as men experience depression
By 2020 it will be the second most significant health problem in the world
People with depression are 4 x more likely to have a heart attack than those without
It can increase a woman's risk for broken bones

It is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44
In the US, businesses spend between 12 and 70 billion dollars caring for or paying the medical expenses of employees that have depression or related illnesses.

Only 10% of all people with depression will receive treatment.
Treatment can provide relief to 80-90% of those affected.

Before the development of SSRIs, cognitive therapy was the most efficacious treatment for depression.  Researchers and therapists discovered that the thought processes of someone with depression can be as irrational as those of someone with untreated schizophrenia.

So, are those thoughts your real thoughts?

Seventh Day of Chanukah

Let the straight flower bespeak its purpose in straightness - to seek the light.
Let the crooked flower bespeak its purpose in crookedness - to seek the light.
Let the crookedness and straightness bespeak the light.
~Allen Ginsberg, "Psalm III"

Deep thoughts

Frequently when I feel as if I want to share something deep, something 'weighty', that's when I have the least to say.

I want to draw again; in the mood, but I don't dig out the kind of paper I want to draw on.  Blah.

There is a new protocol for managing fibromyalgia I've just been informed about that uses, of all things, mucinex.  However, it requires avoiding all types of foods, topicals, meds, which I'm not very good at.  After all, looke how 'successful' I've been at keeping kosher!  Additionally, one goes through a period of getting worse before getting better.  I don't know if I can deal with that!

I've also been looking at the topic of true self and how we know when our thoughts and feelings are a reflection of the self we were created to be vs. the interference of environment, disease, whatever.

A friend here in blogger stated recently that she disliked using antidepressants as she wanted to know what she is 'really thinking'.  She believes she can only do that when she is not medicated.

This has never made sense to me, especially with my own successful treatment with antidepressants.

You are not your depression, nor are you the symptoms of your depression.  Suppose the mind is a window through which the true self shines.  That window becomes dirty.  There is a way to clean the mirror so that your true self shines more clearly.  Wouldn't you want to clean, and keep clean, the window.

It is like saying I'm not going to take pain medication for my arthritis or insulin for my diabetes; that living with pain or high blood sugars are the 'real you'.

Pain is not normal--physical or mental!  Pain is the indication that something is wrong which needs to be fixed or controlled.

I could never think my true thoughts or be my true self until I was successfully treated.  And I cannot imagine going back to the pain I experienced. 

I hate it when people tell me they have tried antidepressants and they did not work.  GPs, family practitioners and internists are not qualified to prescribe them.  It takes a psychiatrist.  Depression is not the common cold of mental health and should not be blown off as such.

Sixth day of Chanukah

Light gives of itself freely, filling all available space.  It does not seek anything in return; it asks not whether you are friend or foe.  It gives of itself and is not thereby diminished.


                                                  Michael Strassfield.

Fifth Day of Hannukah

The commandment to light the Hanukkah lamp is an exceedingly precious one, and one should be particularly careful to fulfill it.  In order to make known the miracle, and to offer additional praise ... to God for the Wonders which He has wrought for us.
Maimonides

Thoughts for the Fourth NIght

Oh, hear my prayer, I sing to you.
Be gracious to the ones I love
And bless them with goodness and mercy and peace
Oh hear my prayer to you.

Oh, let us light these lights and see the way to you and let us say amen.
Oh, let us light these lights and see the way to you and let us say amen.

                              -Debbie Friedman

The Third Day of Chanukah

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle.
~Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Thought for Second day of Chanukah

Another prophet of those difficult times, Zechariah, transmitted to the People an image of purity and grandeur: he prophesied about a menorah of pure gold, flowing continuously with holy oil. Thus, long before the Chanukah story, the menorah became a symbol of hope and light. Many centuries later too, the menorah became the symbol of the Jewish People, and a major theme in synagogue art and architecture.

Chanukah Thought for day one

The candleflame is to us as our soul is to Adonai.

Another Small Victory

This week, I have gotten rid of another bag of clothes so worn out they went to the garbage (what does it say about my self esteem that I was still wearing them?) and another bag for the good will (30 gallon garbage bags),  I threw out  wall hanging I was planning to do something artsy with as it had gotten stained.  I have a broken lamp ready for the next trip.  I also have been doing some picking up and cleaning. 

Mostly I've been sleeping and reading and cuddling a little cat.  I must have been exhausted for quite a while before my vacation arrived. 

Shabbat Shalom!

Another random pic